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Couples therapy works best when both partners can show up with a basic foundation of safety, honesty, and individual stability. Not perfection. Just a starting point that makes the work possible. Some things are better worked through individually before or alongside couples work. The questions below are designed to help you figure out where to start.

Before we begin, there are a few important questions worth sitting with honestly. If you answer yes to one or more of the following, couples therapy may not be the right starting point and individual support may be a better first step.

1. Is there any physical or emotional abuse present in the relationship?

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2. Is there a concern about how substances are being used or relied upon?

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3. Is there ongoing deception or hidden information, such as an active affair, secret finances, or other undisclosed behaviors, that one or both partners are unwilling to bring into the open?

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4. Is there a mental health concern such as depression, anxiety, trauma, or another condition, that is not currently being addressed through individual support?

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5. If joining via telehealth, are both partners able to be in the same location together, rather than calling in from two separate places?

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Couples work requires both partners to be physically present with each other, whether in the office or on a shared telehealth screen. I am not able to conduct effective couples therapy when partners are joining from two separate locations.

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Research supports what clinicians have long observed: conjoint therapy, where both partners are present in the same session, is the most widely recommended format because it focuses directly on the relationship dynamic, promotes real-time dialogue, and allows the therapist to see how each partner actually shows up with the other. It is my practice to meet with both partners together, and in my experience, that consistency is one of the things that makes the work most effective.

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If any of these resonate, that doesn't mean hope is lost. It means the groundwork may need to come first. Individual therapy can help create the safety, honesty, and stability that make couples work possible and effective.

 

If you've reflected on the questions above and none apply, couples therapy can be a genuinely transformative space - whether you're rebuilding trust, reconnecting, or simply learning to understand each other more clearly.

You don't need to be equally ready to begin. But the more each partner can take some responsibility for their part, stay emotionally present in hard conversations, and come with a genuine willingness to grow, the more meaningful the work tends to be.

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Working individually, before or alongside couples therapy, can also help you build self-awareness, understand your role in the dynamic, and strengthen your ability to communicate and repair.

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You might also find this brief article helpful: How to Get the Most From Couples Therapy by The Couples Institute, a thoughtful guide on what sets successful couples work apart.

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Wherever you find yourselves...ready to begin, working on communication, healing after a betrayal, starting a family, or simply curious what it's like to be married to a couples therapist...explore the paths below to find what fits your relationship best.