Did They Really Just Say That?!?
- Dr. Rae Simon
- Sep 19
- 4 min read
What To Do & How To Take Care of Yourself When Someone Says Something Offensive
We’ve all been there. Someone says something offensive, hurtful, racist, antisemitic, sexist, or just plain ignorant. It feels like time freezes. Your chest tightens. Your face burns. You’re not even sure if you’re in your body anymore.
You replay it later thinking, Why didn’t I say something? Or, Why did I laugh it off? Or even, How could I have apologized to them when they were the one who crossed the line?
This is normal. It’s how the brain and body respond when we’re emotionally flooded. But knowing that doesn’t make it easier to sit with afterward.
Here’s how to respond and take care of yourself - both in the moment and after it’s passed
The Quiet Power of Energy
Philosophers Pema Chödrön and Thich Nhat Hanh remind us: Even the smallest pause, or a moment we choose compassion instead of reactivity, can shift everything.
Peace is not a destination we chase. It’s an energy we embody...in every breath, thought, step, and prayer.
In the Moment: When the Words Land
When someone says something offensive, your body often reacts before your mind can realize what was said or done.. That’s not weakness - that’s biology. Your amygdala (the brain’s alarm system) takes over, while your reasoning brain (your prefrontal cortex) goes offline. This is why you freeze, fawn, or blurt out a response...otherwise known as fight, flight or freeze.
So what do you do?
1st - Ground Yourself
STOP: Stop, Take a breath, Observe, Proceed mindfully.
Wiggle your toes. Press your feet flat on the floor. Grip a chair or the table and feel the texture of what youʻre touching.
2nd - Choose Your Response
Ask them to repeat it - “Can you say that again?”
Reflect back - So I’m hearing you say…”
Challenge directly“ - Do you really believe that?”
Name it“ - That’s offensive and untrue.”
Hold silence - Eye contact. Steady presence.
Dismantle propaganda calmly - “If what you read were true, I’d feel the same way. The truth is…”
Time stop boundary - “That doesn’t deserve a response.”“I’m surprised you thought that was okay to say out loud.”
Draw the line - “I don’t allow people to speak to me that way.”
Call them in - “I feel sad hearing you say that. That’s out of character for you.”
After the Moment: When the Replay Starts
Later - whether it’s that night, or a week later - the shock wears off and the shame sets in. Why didn’t I say this? How could I have let that slide?
Here’s how to move forward:
Use a mindfulness technique - R.A.I.N.- to process
Recognize: Name the feeling (anger, shame, sadness).
Allow: Let the emotion exist without pushing it away.
Investigate: With curiosity and kindness, ask: Where do I feel this in my body? What is this protecting in me?
Nurture: Offer yourself compassion. Remember—you are not your emotions.
Decide if it needs to be addressed
Ask yourself:
Do I need to speak up for my own healing, regardless of their reaction?
Do I want to preserve this relationship?
Do I need to set a clear boundary of respect?
Do I want to be a voice for others who can’t be?
Circle back mindfully
Request a conversation in person, over the phone, or on FaceTime. Text is for scheduling only.
Say: “When you have a moment, I’d like to connect about our conversation yesterday. When’s a good time this week?”
Tone and presence matter. Text doesn’t carry heart.
During the follow-up conversation
Ground yourself first - use RAIN or another mindfulness technique.
Clearly share your experience without apology or self-deprecation.
Set your boundaries: “I don’t allow people to speak to me that way.”
If it goes south, have an exit line ready:“I feel like we’re not understanding each other in the way I had hoped. I need to end this conversation now.”
Closing with clarity
Sometimes the follow-up conversation brings understanding. Sometimes it shows you exactly who they are. Either way, you have clarity. Journaling, rituals, prayer, or even a letter to yourself can help you release the weight of it.
The Heart of It All
In these moments, both during and after, you are practicing self-love and self-respect. You are teaching others how to treat you.. You are also protecting the peace that keeps you whole.
Your words have impact.. Your silence communicates volumes. Your presence always matters.
Even when you don’t say what you wish you had, even when your voice shakes, even when you freeze...your truth and your love reverberate outward. That is what creates lasting change.
A thought, a prayer, a whisper can ignite remarkable change.
Let’s Begin
I offer in-person therapy in Colorado and Hawai‘i, and video telehealth across 35+ PsyPACT states. I also offer scholarship spots to ensure care is accessible when it matters most.
You don’t have to take the first step alone.Step onto the floor, reach across the space, and move together. Connection—and harmony—will follow.
About Dr. Rae Sandler Simon
Dr. Rae Sandler Simon is a psychologist, mother, dancer, chronic illness survivor, and mind-body therapy specialist. She supports adults and couples navigating pain, illness, identity, and emotional transformation, with locations in Hawai‘i, Colorado, and across PsyPACT states.
Visit liveandlovewell.com
