Why Do I Have to Be the One to Change?!?
- Dr. Rae Simon
- Aug 16
- 5 min read
When successful couplesʻ therapy can feel like a long road of of one step forward, two steps back.
You’ve finally made the decision. You’ve booked the sessions, opened up about your relationship, maybe even shed a few tears in front of a stranger(hi, that’s me).
And yet… you still feel distant. You still feel unheard. You still feel like you’re doing all the work.
It’s the part of couples therapy most people don’t talk about: the wait.
The Myth of Instant Transformation
Many couples come in hoping that once we identify the problem, their partner will magically transform into the person they’ve been longing for.
I get it. When you’ve been lonely, frustrated, or hurt for months, or even years, patience feels like a luxury you don’t have.
But here’s the truth: change in relationships is rarely instant. Even when your partner wants to change, old habits die hard, defensiveness is an unconscious drug, and unspoken fears slow the process like invisible nails in a tire.
It’s not about “fixing” someone. It’s about slowly growing together - and growth, by definition, takes time.
Together… one foot in front of the other.
“Why Should I Be the One Doing the Work?”
This is the most common frustration I hear.
You’re showing up. You’re reading the books, listening to the podcasts, trying the tools. And your partner? Still doing the same frustrating things: shutting down, always on their phone, not listening, not contributing, or only half-heartedly engaging.
It feels deeply unfair. And sometimes, it is.
But here’s the hard reality: relationships don’t change because both people evolve at the same pace. They change because someone starts shifting...holding a different boundary, making a new choice, or approaching a conversation in a different way.
That “someone” might be you right now.
Yes, it can feel exhausting. Like you’re carrying the whole relationship or keeping your family together. But often, those early, imperfect, even-rejected attempts are planting seeds your partner won’t recognize until later.
The Dance You Both Want to Have
I think of it like two dance partners standing on the floor, music playing, neither willing to take the first step - but both aching to dance.
The longer you wait, the heavier the air gets. The silence becomes the song youʻre both oh so familiar with.
The moment one of you moves - just a shift in weight, a single step forward, a hand extended - the physics of movement make it impossible for the other person to remain completely still.
They might not fall into your rhythm immediately, but something will shift.
Taking the lead means having the courage - and the self love - to move without any guarantee: no promise of acknowledgment, no expectation of reciprocation, not even a “thank you.”
It’s not about you taking all of the responsibility and letting your partner have none. It’s about breaking the stalemate. Connection can’t happen until someone reaches across the space between you.
You can either be right or you can be happy - you cannot have both. Put down the rope!
Let Go of the Tug-of-War
Sometimes, both partners are pulling on opposite ends of the rope, each trying to prove they’re the one in the right and the other in the wrong. The harder you pull, the more energy is wasted, and nothing moves forward. In relationships, you can either be right or you can be happy - but you cannot have both.
The first step toward real change often isn’t convincing your partner, winning an argument, or “fixing” them. It’s putting down the rope, stepping into the dance, and reaching out - even when it feels like you might be the only one moving. Letting go of the need to be right creates the space for connection to happen.
It’s tempting to throw up your hands and say, “Why bother?”
But here’s what’s really happening: your partner is still learning to trust this new version of you. If you’ve been stuck in the same patterns for years, it takes time before those patterns stop running the show.
Every attempt - whether met with warmth or not - is a crack in the old walls between you. Even if it doesn’t feel like it yet, you’re loosening the grip of those old dynamics.
“See?! I Tried… And Nothing Changed.”
I hear this all the time:
“I did the thing you asked me to do, and you still didn’t respond.”
“I made a bid for connection, and they ignored me.”
“I tried again, and it was rejected - just like before.”
What to Expect Instead
Small shifts first. Look for changes in tone, body language, or how long it takes for you to recover from conflict.
Prepare to feel deeply. You may get more upset, sad, or angry the more you look at feelings or conflicts you have avoided to keep the peace.
Resistance as part of the process. Things may get messier, more painful, more frustrating before they get better - it’s a sign you’re disrupting old patterns.
A slower pace than you’d like. Frustrating, yes. But it’s more sustainable for long-term change.
You’re Allowed to Feel Impatient
Patience in therapy isn’t about pretending you’re fine with slow progress. It’s about holding both truths:
I want this to be better now.
I’m willing to keep showing up while it takes time.
Couples therapy is about building something that lasts - not just achieving a quick, fragile fix.
You may not see the change overnight.
But when it comes - when you’ve both taken meaningful, lasting steps; found your new connectionʻs rhythm, and started moving forward together - it will be real.
Growth in couples therapy isn’t about winning the race. It’s about learning to move together, step by step, until you find your rhythm again.
The first steps almost always feel clumsy. Someone will step on a toe. Someone will miss the beat. Someone might even be holding on to the rope, insisting they’re right. But real movement begins the moment one person puts the rope down, lets go of being right, and extends a hand.
With patience and a willingness to keep showing up - even when it feels uneven - the dance becomes smoother. The music starts to feel familiar. You begin to recognize each other not just as partners who frustrate you, but as partners who are trying, stumbling, learning, and still choosing to move together.
So if change feels slow in your relationship, take heart. Slow is not stuck. Slow is often the truest way forward.
Step onto the floor, reach across the space, and move together. Connection and harmony will follow.
Let’s Begin
I offer in-person therapy in Colorado and Hawai‘i, and video telehealth across 35+ PsyPACT states. I also offer scholarship spots to ensure care is accessible when it matters most.
You don’t have to take the first step alone.Step onto the floor, reach across the space, and move together. Connection—and harmony—will follow.
About Dr. Rae Sandler Simon
Dr. Rae Sandler Simon is a psychologist, mother, dancer, chronic illness survivor, and mind-body therapy specialist. She supports adults and couples navigating pain, illness, identity, and emotional transformation, with locations in Hawai‘i, Colorado, and across PsyPACT states.
Visit liveandlovewell.com
