Why Do I Have to Be the One to Change?!?

When successful couplesʻ therapy can feel like a long road of of one step forward, two steps back.

You’ve finally made the decision. You’ve booked the sessions, opened up about your relationship, maybe even shed a few tears in front of a stranger(hi, that’s me).

And yet… you still feel distant. You still feel unheard. You still feel like you’re doing all the work.

It’s the part of couples therapy most people don’t talk about: the wait.

The Myth of Instant Transformation

Many couples come in hoping that once we identify the problem, their partner will magically transform into the person they’ve been longing for.

I get it. When you’ve been lonely, frustrated, or hurt for months, or even years, patience feels like a luxury you don’t have.

But here’s the truth: change in relationships is rarely instant. Even when your partner wants to change, old habits die hard, defensiveness is an unconscious drug, and unspoken fears slow the process like invisible nails in a tire.

It’s not about “fixing” someone. It’s about slowly growing together - and growth, by definition, takes time.

Together… one foot in front of the other.

I love you - but do I have the patience to wait for you to change?

“Why Should I Be the One Doing the Work?”

This is the most common frustration I hear.

You’re showing up. You’re reading the books, listening to the podcasts, trying the tools. And your partner? Still doing the same frustrating things: shutting down, always on their phone, not listening, not contributing, or only half-heartedly engaging.

It feels deeply unfair. And sometimes, it is.

But here’s the hard reality: relationships don’t change because both people evolve at the same pace. They change because someone starts shifting...holding a different boundary, making a new choice, or approaching a conversation in a different way.

That “someone” might be you right now.

Yes, it can feel exhausting. Like you’re carrying the whole relationship or keeping your family together. But often, those early, imperfect, even-rejected attempts are planting seeds your partner won’t recognize until later.

The Dance You Both Want to Have

I think of it like two dance partners standing on the floor, music playing, neither willing to take the first step - but both aching to dance.

The longer you wait, the heavier the air gets. The silence becomes the song youʻre both oh so familiar with.

The moment one of you moves - just a shift in weight, a single step forward, a hand extended - the physics of movement make it impossible for the other person to remain completely still.

They might not fall into your rhythm immediately, but something will shift.

Taking the lead means having the courage - and the self love - to move without any guarantee: no promise of acknowledgment, no expectation of reciprocation, not even a “thank you.”

It’s not about you taking all of the responsibility and letting your partner have none. It’s about breaking the stalemate. Connection can’t happen until someone reaches across the space between you.

You can either be right or you can be happy - you cannot have both. Put down the rope!

Let Go of the Tug-of-War

Sometimes, both partners are pulling on opposite ends of the rope, each trying to prove they’re the one in the right and the other in the wrong. The harder you pull, the more energy is wasted, and nothing moves forward. In relationships, you can either be right or you can be happy - but you cannot have both.

The first step toward real change often isn’t convincing your partner, winning an argument, or “fixing” them. It’s putting down the rope, stepping into the dance, and reaching out - even when it feels like you might be the only one moving. Letting go of the need to be right creates the space for connection to happen.

It’s tempting to throw up your hands and say, “Why bother?”

But here’s what’s really happening: your partner is still learning to trust this new version of you. If you’ve been stuck in the same patterns for years, it takes time before those patterns stop running the show.

Every attempt - whether met with warmth or not - is a crack in the old walls between you. Even if it doesn’t feel like it yet, you’re loosening the grip of those old dynamics.

“See?! I Tried… And Nothing Changed.”

I hear this all the time:

• “I did the thing you asked me to do, and you still didn’t respond.”

• “I made a bid for connection, and they ignored me.”

• “I tried again, and it was rejected - just like before.”

What to Expect Instead

• Small shifts first. Look for changes in tone, body language, or how long it takes for you to recover from conflict.

• Prepare to feel deeply. You may get more upset, sad, or angry the more you look at feelings or conflicts you have avoided to keep the peace.

• Resistance as part of the process. Things may get messier, more painful, more frustrating before they get better - it’s a sign you’re disrupting old patterns.

• A slower pace than you’d like. Frustrating, yes. But it’s more sustainable for long-term change.

You’re Allowed to Feel Impatient

Patience in therapy isn’t about pretending you’re fine with slow progress. It’s about holding both truths:

• I want this to be better now.

• I’m willing to keep showing up while it takes time.

Couples therapy is about building something that lasts - not just achieving a quick, fragile fix.

You may not see the change overnight.

But when it comes - when you’ve both taken meaningful, lasting steps; found your new connectionʻs rhythm, and started moving forward together - it will be real.

Growth in couples therapy isn’t about winning the race. It’s about learning to move together, step by step, until you find your rhythm again.

The first steps almost always feel clumsy. Someone will step on a toe. Someone will miss the beat. Someone might even be holding on to the rope, insisting they’re right. But real movement begins the moment one person puts the rope down, lets go of being right, and extends a hand.

With patience and a willingness to keep showing up - even when it feels uneven - the dance becomes smoother. The music starts to feel familiar. You begin to recognize each other not just as partners who frustrate you, but as partners who are trying, stumbling, learning, and still choosing to move together.

So if change feels slow in your relationship, take heart. Slow is not stuck. Slow is often the truest way forward.

Step onto the floor, reach across the space, and move together. Connection and harmony will follow.

Let’s Begin

I offer in-person therapy in Colorado and Hawai‘i, and video telehealth across 35+ PsyPACT states. I also offer scholarship spots to ensure care is accessible when it matters most.

You don’t have to take the first step alone.Step onto the floor, reach across the space, and move together. Connection—and harmony—will follow.

[Schedule a consultation][Read more about my therapy approach]

About Dr. Rae Sandler Simon

Dr. Rae Sandler Simon is a psychologist, mother, dancer, chronic illness survivor, and mind-body therapy specialist. She supports adults and couples navigating pain, illness, identity, and emotional transformation, with locations in Hawai‘i, Colorado, and across PsyPACT states.

Visit liveandlovewell.com

When the Body Hurts, the Heart Hurts Too

A Journey Through Chronic Illness and Healing

For over two decades I’ve helped clients navigate the challenges of chronic pain and illness. Although my training and expertise shape my work, my deepest understanding comes from personal, lived experience - as a survivor.

Living with chronic pain, illness, or fatigue is more than a physical battle. It seeps into your thoughts, emotions, relationships, and sense of self. Often invisible to others, it can leave you feeling isolated and misunderstood, even by those closest to you.

I’m Dr. Rae Sandler Simon: psychologist, mother, wife, athlete, and someone who has faced chronic pain and illness...and emerged stronger. I spent years bedridden, hopeless, and lost. Today, I’m the healthiest, most vibrant version of myself: proof that healing is possible.

Living Life to it's Fullest! Booth Falls - Vail, CO

My Story: From Survival to Renewal.

Growing up, I was a dedicated athlete and competitive mogul & freestyle skier,, ice skater, and company dancer. My body's abilities were my source of strength and pride. However, underneath my abilities, I carried invisible battles. Years of intense training left lingering injuries, and a series of illnesses drained my energy, caused weight fluctuations, and eroded my confidence and sense of self.

As an adult, I faced profound challenges: fertility struggles, high-risk pregnancies, and life-threatening childbirths that shook me physically and emotionally. Postpartum thyroiditis after my first child progressed to Hashimoto’s disease. After my second pregnancy, I was diagnosed with celiac disease. By 2020, the Epstein-Barr virus brought debilitating exhaustion that wouldn’t lift.

In 2021, relentless pain confined me to bed, making it difficult to walk or use my hands. Top doctors provided diagnosis and medications that didn't feel right. I needed real answers, direction, and my life back.

The Turning Point - Finding Clarity and Hope

In 2022, my body reached a critical point, requiring emergency cervical spinal fusion surgery to preserve my ability to use my arms and legs. The recovery was grueling: three months in a restrictive neck brace tested my body and spirit. Yet, for the first time in years, I found clarity, and with it, hope.

Before surgery, I carried not just pain but fear, exhaustion, and emotional weight. Healing, I realized, required addressing the whole person - mind, body, and spirit. I embraced radical self-compassion, intuitive eating, gentle movement, rest, therapy, and spiritual connection. As a lifelong caregiver, accepting help from my family and community was humbling but transformative, emotional medicine.

In March 2025, a second spinal fusion surgery on my lower back further safeguarded my mobility. This time, I leaned into patience and resilience, fortified by hope. Over the year following my first surgery, I released 75 pounds of body weight, shifting from punitive exercise to mindful movement that built strength and self-respect.

The deepest healing, however, was internal. Through therapy, breathwork, and mindfulness, I processed trauma, grief, and long-held fears, cultivating a kinder relationship with myself. I gave myself permission to rest, let go of burdens, be supported, and rebuild on my terms. I learned that resilience grows in the space between acceptance and evolution.

Today, just four and a half months after my second spinal fusion surgery, I’ve returned to ballet barre, Pilates, and conquered challenging hikes like Hanging Lake and Booth Falls in the Colorado Rockies.

Approaching my 48th year of life, I feel stronger and more alive than ever. I’m free from thyroid disease, rarely drink alcohol, and love my body - not just for its appearance but for its resilience.

My children have their playful, present mother back.

My husband has his partner back.

My relationships are deeper, freed from the shadows of pain.

Celebrating where my healing took flight. Proof that resilience and hope carry you through every step.

Why This Matters in Therapy

Your pain is valid, whether or not it mirrors my story. You don’t need to prove your suffering to deserve support.

In my practice, I work with people navigating:

• Autoimmune diseases, chronic pain, or medical trauma

• Unspoken grief, anxiety, or fear

• Fertility or pregnancy loss

• Feeling stuck between exhaustion and pressure to push forward

• Disconnection from their bodies or loved ones

• The silent burden of always being “strong” for others

With deep empathy, lived experience, and mind-body tools, I help clients rebuild physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

What Healing Looks Like

Together, we’ll:

• Practice breathwork and nervous system regulation

• Explore grief, identity, and resilience

• Rebuild trust with your body and relationships

• Use mindfulness and movement for emotional balance

• Create space for both limitations and limitless possibility

Healing isn’t about pushing harder. It’s about reconnecting with your body, boundaries, joy, and worth.

Let’s Begin...

I offer in-person therapy in Colorado and Hawai‘i, and video telehealth across 35+ PsyPACT states.

I also offer scholarship spots to ensure care is accessible when it matters most.

You don’t have to fight this battle alone.

You're allowed to heal.

You're allowed to thrive.

Schedule a consultation

Read more about my therapy approach

About Dr. Rae Sandler Simon

Dr. Rae Sandler Simon is a psychologist, mother, dancer, chronic illness survivor, and mind-body therapy specialist. Her practice supports adults and couples navigating pain, illness, identity, and emotional transformation, with locations in Hawai‘i, Colorado, and across PsyPACT states.

Visit liveandlovewell.com

How I Combine Mind-Body Therapy with Evidence-Based Practice

A whole-person approach to healing, resilience, and meaningful change.

Holistic healing with scientific-foundation and the human, lived experience.

When most people think about therapy, they picture sitting on a couch and talking about feelings. And while that’s certainly part of the work, it’s not the whole story—at least not in my practice.

I believe that real, lasting change happens when we connect the mind and body. Your nervous system, your breath, your posture, your relationships, your nutrition, your history—they’re all part of your emotional landscape. Therapy shouldn’t exist in a vacuum. It should meet you where you live: in a body, in relationships, in a world that’s often overwhelming.

That’s why I combine evidence-based psychotherapy with holistic, mind-body tools that support your full wellbeing.

Healing for the Human Experience

What Does “Evidence-Based” Actually Mean?

It means we use approaches that are backed by research. In my work with individuals and couples, I draw from proven models like:

• Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) – to help couples rebuild safety, trust, and deep connection

• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) – to support emotional clarity and reframe stuck thinking

• Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT) – to move toward values-based living, even when life feels hard

• Narrative Therapy – to explore how your stories shape your identity, and how you can reclaim authorship

These aren’t just theoretical. I apply these methods in ways that feel natural, compassionate, and grounded in real life—not rigid or clinical.

Why the Body Matters in Therapy

If you’ve ever had a gut feeling, a tight chest under stress, or a surge of energy when something clicks—you already know your body holds emotional truth. In my practice, I invite you to include the body in the conversation.

This might look like:

• Breath work and grounding practices during sessions

• Tuning into body cues to understand stress, pain, or triggers

• Movement-based suggestions (like gentle walking, stretching, or embodied awareness) to support nervous system regulation

• Nutrition or sleep conversations, when relevant, to support mood stability

• Mindfulness techniques that reconnect you to the present moment

This is especially important for clients navigating:

• Chronic pain or autoimmune illness

• Anxiety, trauma, or burnout

• Life transitions that feel disorienting

• Disconnection from self, partner, or community

Therapy That’s Both Holistic and Grounded

Let me be clear: this isn’t “alternative therapy” and it’s not one-size-fits-all. It’s integrative care designed to help you feel steady, empowered, and deeply seen—no matter where you’re starting from.

We won’t just talk about what’s wrong. We’ll also build tools for what’s possible. That includes honoring your strengths, working with what’s stored in your body, and applying therapeutic models that help you grow—not just cope.

Whether you’re coming to therapy for support with a relationship, chronic illness, stress, parenting, grief, or identity, I’ll meet you with both expertise and care. Together, we’ll build a path forward that supports your whole self.

Ready to Begin?

At Live & Love Well™, I provide therapy that reflects your unique needs—not a system’s restrictions. My approach is integrative, evidence-based, and deeply personal. Whether we’re working together in person in Hawaii or Denver, or online across one of 35+ PsyPACT states, the care you receive is intentional and attuned.

If you’ve found your way here, something is calling for change, healing, or connection. And that deserves to be met with clarity, flexibility, and respect.

Ready to Begin?

If you're curious about whether working together is the right fit, I’d love to connect. Contact me here or learn more about my services.

You deserve care that supports your whole self.

And you don’t have to navigate it alone.